I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
