Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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