a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
