U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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