He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
