and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
