sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
