Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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