Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
