I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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