it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
