i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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