guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
