i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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