we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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