Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
