We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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