i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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