1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
