WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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