he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
