Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
