; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
