I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
