your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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