You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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