tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
