You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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