At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
