I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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