Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
