my mouth tastes like poor choices
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
