I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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