Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
