but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
