Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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