NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
