it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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