rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
