the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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