i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
