Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
