having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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