you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
