I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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