there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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