So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Even my vagina gasped.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
