Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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