im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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