Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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