i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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