well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
