i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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