At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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