Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
where does the pee come out of this thing
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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