You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
