I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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