Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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