are you so shy because you have an std?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
