i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
