i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
