an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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