When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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