you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
