fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
