I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
