community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
