Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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