I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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