i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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