Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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